Transitions & me

When I left my last job, Pirahna 3D. I had the unsettled feeling I tend to get when a job wraps. That maybe that would be the last job.  It’s pretty common unless you are attached to a big star.

Another thought that hit me is:  Why did I turn down the chance to do a movie that would be a “big hit” next summer to go work on a semi-indie horror film with friends.

** It turned out that while that job was fun, I carried boatloads of yucky insecurities with me about being in over my head on such a big production.

It’s been a few months & gone through many different stages:

The this is cool now I have time to “recover” (after having done 3 movies).

to

Great!!  I want to visit family & friends, let’s go!

to

Ok, I’ll start looking for another job (it’s been a few weeks)

to

Maybe I should start a side biz for times like this.  I know I want to keep costuming but I have to bring the money in somehow.

to

Super.  It’s the slow time of year.

to

What if I never work again

to

Am I even anything without what i do?

to

Stop freaking out, it will be fine

to

Breath, relax into this time,

to

Guess what, you can be getting clear about what you want & how you hope to achieve it.  won’t that be better than being depressed and wearing your bathrobe all day.

to

I like that.  be deliberate. start focusing on what i want instead of just what i seemingly lack. (interesting it took me months to get here)

to

What I am calling “Melly’s Transition-o-rama of 2009″

Color me silly, I never ever imagined that I would suddenly be building important parts of my foundation in my mid-30′s (total late bloomer). I say that partially tongue-in-cheek since I understand it’s a lifetime journey.

I’m feeling the internal pull of a paradox inside me.  The one that is practical & needs to take care of the business of paying my bills, finding a “real job”, and buckling down and the one that says I just want to find a way to make money doing what I like to do, how do I create a whole world that supports that vision.

What would MY dream life look like? (Not in the hokey way but in the honest-to-goodness building a life you aspire to.  Living intentionally.  Making your own opportunities not taking jobs based on reactionary thinking.  Being able to enjoy life fully.  Where you make the rules.)

I *love* set costuming.  Funny coming from a just-this-side-of-tomboy.  I love clothes & how fashion can tell a story.  When I work on a movie, I swell with pride at the fact…yes, you have great lighting, hair and makeup, props but without the clothes you really couldn’t fully immerse in the experience.  The role of a set costumer is so interesting. YOU are the person who is there to keep the purity of the Costume Designers vision & please the director with the wardrobe.  The representative of your department.  There is taking care of the comfort of the actors- a helper of sorts (making sure they have coats when its cold or comfort shoes or robes for those “sassy scenes”).  You are required to take meticulous notes & keep continuity (make sure the actor wears the clothes how he should be since scenes are not shot in order).  It is the perfect job (for me) in many ways because there is so much variety, working with all different types of peeps, and creativity.  I get giddy just thinking about some of my past jobs (even though there were certainly tricky moments and lots of lessons)!

There is an aspect to the my job that I don’t enjoy.  The networking & going to mixers to “get my name” out there.  Those crowds can make me get uncomfortable with the overwhelming “look at me” atmosphere.  Plus the lack of a nourishing life when you work 14-16 hours a day can be taxing. However, those few quibbles aren’t enough to make me leave it. They are not deal breakers.

My internal clock is set to do 3 movies a year.  I need the balance of time off (something that does not happen if you jump from job to job). There is the challenge within myself: Can I get quality film jobs?  Do those 3 movies a year and then run away and have my play/other stuff  time?  In this business people tend to ‘forget’ about you if you don’t follow the unwritten rules.

I have a deep love for photography and travel.  Where does that play in the mix?

I’m entering a new zone.  Building confidence in the ability to define & call the shots in my own life.  Making plans without checking what people think every time. Learning to hear criticism or negative feedback, apply it…or not.  Not letting outside stuff tell me how to be or think.  This means family, friends, the news, peeps who claim to be experts, etc.  (Did you know that if your friends say your paintings are just “ok” or you make a choice they wouldn’t- you don’t have to take that burden on you?  Well I didn’t, until recently.)

I know I am offering more questions than answers but that is the reality of my life right now.  Lots of questions.  I think since making this inner vow, I’m more confused than before. Not in a bad way, more like “where are you heading? is this for real?”

I’m not going to be a person who shares only the joys because that would not be the whole picture & someone could think it is all ups and get discouraged in their path.  It so important for me to be real with peeps.  Stay true. There will be a good balance of both especially once I get walking along.  I want to share the ride with you.

What is true:  I’m intrigued by what this journey will look like. What will it bring? That I can define how I want my life to look.  I can take these baby steps to make happen how I long for my life to unfold.  Must remind myself though, that there is always a growing period & for those times patience is key.  Oh and a heaping tablespoon of kindness!

Can’t believe I am going to quote a Miley Cyrus song but it says so perfectly what I am feeling right now.

The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head saying, 
You’ll never reach it, 
Every step I’m taking, 
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaken but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle, 
Sometimes I’m going to have to lose, 
Ain’t about how fast I get there, 
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing, 
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I, 
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, 

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle, 
Sometimes you going to have to lose, 
Ain’t about how fast I get there, 
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle, 
Sometimes you going to have to lose, 
Ain’t about how fast I get there, 
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith