reframing fear.

this post is inspired by a thought posed by Kate in ‘The Courageous Year”:

so this weekend had some pretty bleak moments in it.

not saying this to garner any sort of ‘feel-bad-for-me’ feelings.

more to preface what is going through my mind.

basically, i had a total crash. split wide open

and pour out the rawest emotions I have felt in a very long time.

you see, i don’t often share in my day to day life how i feel

because i feel fear of “being known”, that when someone knows me it

will make them leave.

this is an old story.

one that i am not into hanging on to anymore.  it plays out in my head

often, i used to think it was true.  now i think it is BS.

before you think that i am all rah-rah, i’m so great and everyone loves me;

that is so not the case either.

what IS happening is that i am seeing what’s true.

i have these thoughts.  they are fueled by fear.  fear wants to keep me safe.  fear is not bad but it can keep me stuck.  being true is the only way i want to live. i am free (which is on my wrist in my tattoo in case i forget!).  i want “new stories”. dropping the “old ones” seem scary because they feel a part of me.  they aren’t.  i am more than my stories.

I AM ME.

I guess I am saying…i’m letting myself off the hook.  Daily.  Knowing that even if the feelings don’t match up.

Here is what I want you to know from my heart to yours: At the end of the day, YOU MATTER.  Not what you do, or how perfect you are.

YOUR SOUL.

YOU.

xoxo

Winter Olympics update.

Hi!  I was going to go out to the the local theater and catch a movie for review.

Instead, I turned on the Olympics and proceeded to watch it for several hours.

I couldn’t tear myself away from the skiing, hockey, ice dancing, speed skating & interview with Apolo.

Then I took a nap.

Pretty much lazed around.

Working towards stepping away from the computer on weekends ‘cept to post the challenge.  Need the unplug time.

Be back tomorrow with more another day of 365 challenge and the day after that, and after that, and…you get the idea.  This is about the long haul.   It’s been an experience so far, I think I love it.  Want to get even more smooth in my delivery.  :)

One last note:  It would be really cool to keep collecting suggestions of movies to watch. Leave a comment if you have an idea of a cool flick to review.

35/365 Amelia

Starring: Hilary Swank, Richard Gere, Ewan McGregor

Genre: Biopic

Discovery: A recommendation by Brandi got ‘broken’ in the mail so I ran to the video store to grab a movie.

Summary: If you know anything about flying you have heard her name.  Amelia Earhart is about as legendary as it gets in that field.  This movie portrays her as a woman fiercely lead by her desire for flying and freedom even though she married her great love, George Putnam.  (Some liberties were taken as we don’t know what her final hours were like and have to surmise)

First Glance: Period pieces jazz me up because for a few hours I am transported into another time.  This film beautifully captures the aura of the 20’s and 30’s. Amelia was not your traditional female, she bucked social convention much to the chagrin of her loyal husband who always supported her no matter what.  To me, this film fails in one area: making Amelia human.  It’s almost like Hilary focuses in on one side of her personality and stays there until the very end.  Then we are rewarded with a glimpse of softness.  Perhaps that is how she was.

Deeper Look: It must be truly hard to capture such an iconic figure.  To blend all the subtleties that make them unique.  The film did an admirable job.  My big question was where did she get this insatiable drive to fly?  Little is caught of her young life.  Of course, you can’t expect to sum up someone’s life in a few hours but that kept me from really “getting” who she was.  The movie is a tad dull.  Not quite a snorefest but just lacking the necessary “heart” I like in my true stories.

What I Took Away from this Movie: Amelia Earhart paved the way for strong women everywhere.  She was ahead of her time.

Final Glimpse: Pretty decent rental.

34/364 Dare

Starring: Zach Gilford, Emmy Rossum, Ashley Springer

Genre: Drama

Discovery: Waited for this to hit DVD.  Had a limited release.

Summary: Alexa, ever the “good girl”, breaks out of her shell by pursuing bad boy, Johnny.  As they get further involved her friend, Ben, starts playing his own games.  A weird triangle forms and ends in a life changing way.

First Glance: Not your standard teen drama. This didn’t walk the line I thought it would.  Going into this movie I made up my mind where it was going to take me.  I was wrong.  Well, partially.  I guessed part of it right & yet I was really far off on where it would end.  It broke convention in stereotypes.  Dig that.

Deeper Look: I think back to high school and how hard it was to find my place in that crazy world.  These characters struggle with the same thing but with MUCH more disastrous results.  It is a heightened movie reality yet a few delicately placed scenes that come from a more authentic place.  Exploring the “roles” we play.   Things are not always what we see on the outside.

What I Took Away from this Movie: Don’t play games.  Your actions matter.

Final Glimpse: Zach gives a truly inspired performance in the role of complicated Johnny, he’s not your typical brooding bad boy.

33/365 Humpday

Starring: Mark Duplass, Josh Leonard, Alycia Delmore

Genre: Indie Comedy

Discovery: Watched ‘The Puffy Chair’ by Mark and his brother, Jay.  It was cute & funny so I decided to view this one.

Summary: During a raucous party, Ben’s friend, Andrew, dares him to make an erotic art film together for HumpFest. Ben agrees much to the chagrin of his devoted wife.  Their friendship is put in an interesting position when they undertake this project.

First Glance: What can I say?  I have a soft spot for movies like this considering I worked on quite a few of them when I first started out in the biz.  The movie that’s all about a group of artsy folks making an okey-dokey movie and throwing all in to get it done. Long days, lugging equipment everywhere, and eating scraps.  All that aside, this movie isn’t half bad.  There are some truly genuine moments that I caught myself smirking at the hilarity of it all.  No spoilers, if you do watch this, the end makes it worth sticking through all that comes before.  The two guys have a fantastic buddy chemistry.

Deeper Look: What would it be like if two heterosexual guys (one being married) decided to make an artistic art porn?  I think Lynn Shelton, the writer/director, came up with a very realistic scenario.  It was extremely believable or at least what I imagine that the guys would do.  (Behind the scenes girl says: great costumes because the clothes actually belonged to the actors.  The camera work is kind of bad but can be forgiven because it is indie.  They wanted to be “in the moment”.  They shot the film in 10 days – that is crazy fast.)

What I Took Away from this Movie: Men have cool friendships.

Final Glimpse: Josh Leonard is a hidden gem.  He was my fave in this movie.

*Announcement* Ready to shop?

I started posting some miscellaneous items (ie clothes, etc) on Ebay.

You can check it out here.

This is all part of an ongoing desire to simplify & zenify my life.

Keep checking in.  Will be adding items daily for the next week.

If you are so inclined, please pass the word along.

Thank you!

32/365 Serious Moonlight

Starring: Meg Ryan, timothy, Hutton, Justin Long

Genre: Hard to say with a writer like Adrienne Shelly, maybe, dark romantic comedy

Discovery: I loved Waitress by Adrienne so this was an obvious choice to pick.  (She was murdered in her home in NY shortly before the Waitress came out & garnered such attention.  She wrote this and her husband/friends brought it to life in her memory.)

Summary: Very unhappily married man, Ian, tries to leave his wife for another woman (played by Kristen Bell). Instead of making it easy on him, his wife Louise, tapes him to a toilet and starts working on a way to get him to stay.  They find themselves ‘interrupted’ by lawn boy/burglar who takes control of the situation. Weirdness ensues.

First Glance: The film opens with a surprise.  Ironic twist.  Glossy but not totally ridiculous thanks to Adrienne’s wry script.  Although some of the scenario is highly suspect, you can’t help but strap yourself in and see where this crazy movie is going to take you.  Not where you think, at least, not an obvious conclusion.

Deeper Look: I try to imagine what I would feel if my lover taped me to a toilet to get me to stay with him.  Not sure I would have been super cool with it but watching this movie shows me the crazy things that some peeps can do in the name of love. You have to let down your guard & take the movie at face value. Its funny but not broad.  Crazy & desperate but at the same time you don’t hate anyone in the story.

What I Took Away from this Movie: Wish Adrienne was around to make more dry & comedic films like this.  Sad.

Final Glimpse: Good.

31/365 Neo Ned

Starring:  Gabrielle Union,  Jeremy Renner

Genre: Romantic Drama

Discovery: Watching all movies Jeremy Renner, one by one.

Summary:  Young man, Ned, who idolizes his dad & joins a white supremacy gang gets himself put in a mental hospital where he meets Rachel, a black woman who believes she is Hitler.

First Glance:  These two actors give it all they have got.  I can’t believe I went into this film leery of the journey it would take me on.  Would it be too race-based? Would it be believable? Would it smack of desperation to lead me on a certain path?  None of those things happened.  Instead, I was treated to the story of a lost soul of a man trying to find love where he can & it happens in the least likely of places.

Deeper Look:  It takes a very nuanced director to create such a provocative film and not have it be heavy-handed or degrading.  Gabrielle & Jeremy have chemistry in spades.  It isn’t just the romantic kind either.  I felt as though I was watching two peeps foil off of each other in a very special way.  For all of Ned’s posturing that happens in the beginning of the movie, you can see that he is clearly a guy in need and wanting to give ‘great love’.  No stereotypes here.  Real, honest emotion in this almost coming-of-age story except Ned is not a teen. (Since I try to be spoiler free: the scene near the end will show you just how fine an actor Jeremy really is.) Don’t expect a story with a fabricated hollywood ending.

What I Took Away from this Movie: This is one of the hardest ones to share what I took away.  It would have to be:  You love who you love.  Change is always possible.

Final Glimpse:  Beautiful.  Left me aching at the end.  Now that is a powerful film.

30/365 Couples Retreat

Starring:  Vince Vaughan, Malin Akerman, Jason Bateman, Jon Favreau, Faizon Love, Kristin Davis, Jean Reno, Kali Hawk, Kristen Bell

Genre: Comedy (although there were very few laughs)

Discovery:  I wanted to see if it was as bad as the critics made it sound.  I like to give movies a fair shot.

Summary:  How do you sum up the stories of four separate couples?  Here goes: Jason & Cynthia are having marital problems so they decide to go on a retreat for couples.  They end up getting all their closest friends to take the trip with them. From there you have a hodge podge of mishaps & innuendo which ultimately lead to all the couples reconciling and falling more in love (cue the mariachi band).

First Glance:  Glossy, ridiculous, half-hearted comedy (and I use that term VERY loosely since i only laughed once).  Normally, Vince Vaughn is right up my alley.  I dig his sense of humor and often laugh at his shtick, not this time.  Sorry.  Shot in Bora Bora, beautiful location. Paradise.

Deeper Look:  In the hopes of having a deeper message this movie ‘jumps the shark’ and becomes the most unfunny glop I have watch in awhile.  Not to mention I think having a friend direct them might have been a big mistake.  Director Peter Billingsley seems to not know how to get a good performance out of his actors.

What I Took Away from this Movie:  NOT FUNNY.

Final Glimpse:  Please Hollywood stop churning out these waste of celluloid films. I’m begging you.

29/365 Dahmer

Starring:  Jeremy Renner, Bruce Davison

Genre: Drama (to many creative liberties taken to be a biopic)

Discovery:  Watching all Jeremy Renner’s films.  This guy is a force of nature.

Summary:  The story takes you into the mind of Jeffrey Dahmer by revealing pieces of just how this guy became one of the most notorious serial killers.

First Glance:  This movie is shot in a very disjointed way; flipping back & forth between past and present.  The DP does a wonderful job of using lighting to capture the raw emotions of certain scenes.  Red is often used to show the ‘hidden’ evil inside of this complex man.  Jeremy is brilliant.  Gave me the creepies.

Deeper Look:  I am not a serial-killer movie girl.  This type of movie gives me the major ickies.  Perhaps because it is real unlike the horror genre.  What these men do is completely out of my realm of comprehending.  What is interesting is how a man can be such a “model citizen” on the outside & be filled with rage and self-loathing inside. The liberties that are taken are not false more changing the timeline to flow the story in a different manner.  Jeremy Renner channels Dahmer, awesome performance.  You don’t see the whole story, it ends before he gets captured.  The director wanted to leave you with a somber look of where he was headed.

What I Took Away from this Movie:  Hard to feel sympathy for such a ruthless killer. Renner somehow captured a few moments where you can see the tortured soul.

Final Glimpse:  If you do watch this, listen to the commentary.  Jeremy & the director give some interesting insights and trivia surrounding the shooting of this dark indie film.  Not for the faint of heart, touches of gore.

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