Do I really want to change?
by Melly on August 22, 2009
in my thoughts on stuff
this one was of the very first pics I took when I started falling for photography
This summer has been one of the most challenging in a long while. I can say that without a doubt some beliefs I held to be true are crashing down around me & I am having to build a new foundation. It is scary, invigorating, tiring, confusing, thrilling…
I want to go over some beliefs I am carrying around:
The belief that good things are for other people but somehow can’t happen for me.
The belief that I have to be what other people want in order to “fit in”.
The belief that I have to “fit in”.
The belief that I have to have the approval of other people who know ‘more’ about the subject before I step out.
The belief that when I get “jazzed” about something everyone else around me will be too.
The belief that there is a ‘glass ceiling’ to my success.
The belief that decisions are made outside of me. That others have the power over my choices, future, and project picks.
The belief that if I want to do it, I will always feel like doing it.
The belief that I constantly have to be “working” on myself.
The belief that I will find some sort of inspiration tomorrow.
The belief that I can somehow control peoples reaction by not speaking up about what I think.
The belief that in order to help people, I must be perfect.
The belief that ‘failure’ is bad.
The belief that I will be good right away at everything I try.
The belief that I don’t deserve the time to practice & get better at something.
The belief that ever since I disappointed my family in my early 20’s they have never forgotten it, and I have to prove to them I am not that person.
The belief you can’t be scared when you do a new thing.
Those beliefs are some of what floats around in my head. By NO means all at once! Little triggers will bring one or a few to the surface and I will find that it sends me into a mode that becomes more reactive. Trying to just keep the thoughts at bay vs really re-wiring what I am thinking (paying attention to the thought, exploring it, and finding a way to understand it).
For example, let’s say my grandma asks me about money. How I am doing financially. She is asking out of concern & the fact that she knows I freelance and sometimes things get tight (and she is a bit of a worry wort!).
Well, in my mind and through some reinforcement from a few careless comments she has made, I get into my “I am being attacked mode. Must defend.” I will ask her why is she asking. Does she not think I can care for myself? Then what could have been a fairly routine exchange becomes a debate.
It is messy when we let the false beliefs lead us.
Back to what I was saying. This summer has been trigger-ville. Slowly, and I do mean slowly. My mind is opening up to the fact they are not worth following. I want to pay more attention, to relax, and find new patterns.
The tricky part comes when you are making these new changes. How do you do it? There are people that say nothing is a reality, live totally in the present; others say take out the old thing & put in a new thing; and another will tell you quit your job, travel, and find you; no wait! NLP is the way.
With all the theories out there, how do you begin to choose which one works for YOU?
Is it like the lottery, try one & see what sticks? I’ll have to keep you posted.
The answer to the question posted in the title is: YES. I don’t want to live reactive. My desire is to live TRUE. 
I want to thank the peeps who have rallied around me (and my little bloggy haven). The support has meant so much to me.
PS Even as I publish this, my mind is racing with thoughts of “what if peeps judge you or think that you are weird?”. To that my heart under the panic response says, “the ones who are meant to get it, will. Other peeps will go elsewhere. Be ok with that.”
edited to add: Jessie (of Stray Dog Arts) shared a very revealing, honest, and thought-provoking post about her limiting beliefs & some inspired words about how we don’t have to be held down by them. Please visit and read her POST. Plus you can see her *magical* new studio!
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Oh crap. This is a good list. Good as in it is good that you are even AWARE that these things are going through your head. I hear you on the difficult summer thing. It has been a difficult summer for me for many of the same reasons. I have different beliefs posing problems in my head, but yeah…
Slowly, slowly I am beginning to understand more of the reasons why I am where I am. I guess knowing what some of the problems are is half the battle.
Here’s to letting go of limiting beliefs.
Yes, the clutter of limiting beliefs can seem daunting. The funny thing about beliefs is that we put a lot of stock in them but when we really examine them closely, we find that we have so many beliefs that operate in complete conflict with others. Example: I’m lazy….I work hard. If you look, there are tons of polar opposites. The result is chaos and it stirs up all kinds of emotions. My experience has been that when you let go of all of the emotional content and also the actual beliefs, the clear reasoning and answers always underlying the noise become sharply apparent.
Best!
-Craig
I love, love, love this post possum. Shine on, you shiny, shiny goddess! xoxo
Melly,
I completely love the honesty and real-ness here today. And know that you have my support and caring 100%. Be you, my friend…
I’ve had a difficult summer, too — it that has forced me to break out of a odd (and destructive) committee of “shadow deities” that I picked up somehow along the past 20-odd years. It has simultaneously been the best and worst of times. My internal critic and my internal goddess spend a lot of time in battle gear these days, so I sympathize.
I have many of these same restrictive thoughts about myself (the “fitting in” hit me in the gut; it’s my biggest shadow deity), but, as Anais Nin said, “… [T]he day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” It still hurts, but I believe I can breathe through it. So can you.
Instead of worrying about what someone will think, admire your courage to be honest and to share. I do.
I know that you know that it really comes down to forging your own path. No one else’s answer is your answer.
Krishnamurti said, “Truth is a pathless land.” Perfect. And truth telling certainly seems to be integral to your landscape, Melly.
Also know that this work is a life time’s work. It’s why so many people don’t bother. It’s hard and there really is no end.
But that’s also why this work is the most wonderful and most fulfilling work.
Great post! I think your thoughts will resonate with many people because the irony is that underneath it all, we’re pretty damn similar. So what you think are your skeletons and points of embarrassment, are many people’s.
Good job for opening up
I like your candor.
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O man, I really needed to read this. Perfect timing, since I’m planning a little road trip tomorrow to my home town to visit my dad’s grave and try to sit in silence for a while just working on some of the self-limiting crap I’m hanging onto from childhood.
Once again, our paths seem to be taking us through similar issues.
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Melle, I love hearing your voice. Love the wry honesty of this post. Live true to yourself, my dear, and we’ll all support you on your journey. You are the most perfect You that ever was.
Hugs, Hiro
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hey girl, I know I’m late to the party but just want to say I understand exactly where you are coming from. I find that I let go of old stuff in layers and stages-just a reminder to be gentle with yourself and as corny as this sounds, it’s true-it really is okay. YOU are okay.
brandi´s last blog ..lunchtime adventures:: irving arts center.
First, let me just say “thank you” from the bottom of my heart. The love & support you have shown me is really a blessing. I am super lucky to have such a great group of peeps in my midst
Jessie- I am right there with ya, chica. I want you to know that last summer I frequented your blog & stumbled onto the ‘Be Brave’ project. I’m firmly convinced that it has lead to so many cool adventures and discoveries. Not always the awesome fun kind but powerful non-the-less. Thank you for YOUR bravery and sharing not just your strengths but those “stumbly bits”. Cheering you on. Rock on with your ‘bad’ self…(there is the slang coming out)
Craig- Very wise thoughts. Kind of interesting how thoughts get jumbly and contradictory like that. I’ll be reading your book next week. Look forward to seeing just what the Sedona Method is about.
Leonie- Thanks for your unwavering support, lovie!
Lance- Mr T!!! Your friendship is so solid. I thank you for it~
Linnea- Thank you for sharing with me. Sorry to hear about your summer being of the challenging kind. It’s good though that you are aware & learning about the different sides of you. I wish you lots of love & gentleness as you walk on this life journey. It can be a tricky one but so worth all the effort.
Christine- You know how I feel. Thank you. Love.
Simone- Nice to have you visit my bloggy world. I like what you said about what I think are MY skeletons & embaressments are MANY peeps. So true. A fact it would be good for me to remember. To live little more accepting of my foibles. Thank you.
Heather- That must mean something. Right? Maybe? Either way, I’m glad our paths crossed & I can get to know you! My life is the better for it~
Hiro- I like wry. Oh my goodness I love this: You are the perfect you that ever was. *SWOON* Embracing that!
Brandi- You are NEVER too late to any party I have (but you know that)! Being gentle & loving is key in these situations. No matter how many times I hear that it’s always great to be reminded. Thanks for being my fiesty doppleganger! You make my journey joyfull & lovely~
Melly, I just had a chance to read this post and all I can say is that you know in your heart what you deserve. You said it right here:
“the ones who are meant to get it, will. Other peeps will go elsewhere.”
This doesn’t only apply in the bloggy world. It also applies in the real world. Recently, I’ve been working on releasing the need for my friends and loved ones to “get me” or to agree with me. There are plenty of times when I don’t agree with them, so who am I to want them to always agree with me? It isn’t easy, but allowing people to be who they are will send messages that they should allow you to be who you are.
Are you familiar with “The Work” of Byron Katie? If not, you should look her up and watch some of her videos. She often asks the question, “Who would you be if ___________(fill in the blank)?” In particular, I’d like to ask you who would you be if you didn’t always feel like you had to constantly be “working” on yourself? Who would you be? How would life feel?
Now that I’ve asked you that, I’m starting to wonder the same thing about myself. Thanks for sharing your story and holding up a mirror to all of us. Not surprisingly, we find commonalities in our suffering. But here’s to finding commonalities in our joy!
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