Hello to you, 2010.

I think there are some really killer things in store this year.

I started a tradition last year of picking a theme.

An intention.

A Focus.

Last year it was all about Magic.

It was just that.

Of course, it didn’t play out how I expected, it was BETTER.

Mostly the ‘magic’ came in small moments, they don’t necessarily

even feel at the time like anything big.  Reflecting later though

my soul & heart see them for what they are.

Soul Winks is my nickname for them.

When the universe blesses you or tries to get your attention.

I will let you in on one of my ‘winks’.

Small.

Every time I see a Smart Car, I giggle.  They are just so darn cute.

For some reason, normally when times are feeling not so hot,

I see one.  Out of the blue.  I feel that is a “Soul Wink”;

just for me. To say, “Hey, I’m here and you matter.”

So how about you.

Want to share a “Soul Wink” moment with me?

Ooops, I almost forgot…

my word for the year is….

EMBRACE.

I’m ready for you 2010.

Bring it on!

doing isn’t everything.

i have things to share.

really.

right now though,

it’s time for me to rest & play

& let myself be ok with the

idea that i don’t constantly have to

do in order to prove my worth.

it’s true.

doing is only part of the equation.

Gaining focus.

When I started a self-imposed mini ‘reading-other-blogs’ bloggy break.

I panicked (just a little, I promise).

My mind erupted with all sorts of thoughts on why it was a bad idea.

Here are a few:

“What if people forget you are here?”

“What if when you quiet your mind, there is nothing there?” (ridiculous, I know)

“Wait a minute, I thought you said that you were a giver, you can’t NOT visit & comment on peeps blogs.  That’s selfish”

“Blah, blah, blah…you won’t last”

“Are you serious?”

Those little icky thoughts seem to come at the moments I most need the quiet.  You see, I was enjoying the connection, comraderie, and inspiration that comes with reading other blogs but it started to overwhelm me.  I couldn’t keep up with all the “good stuff” being put out into the Universe.

I’m sure you have been there: trying to visit everyones blogs, make comments, twitter, write your posts, try new things, your daily life stuff, art projects, etc.  It was too much of a good thing (yes, I think that is entirely possible. well, for me it is.)

The past few days of slowing down my bloggy visits to none (working to that number), has been both a challenge & eye opening.  It’s interesting how much of a habit doing something becomes.  You just do it.  There is no longer any intention behind it.  When you are moving out of that area, it is much like quitting smoking or trying to stop chewing gum (if you always chew gum). WITHDRAWALS.

Not a fan of them.  However, I am being patient with myself.  Knowing that those feelings are there because I created a pattern plus I long for connection.  Neither one of those things are bad.

I just need a break.  A time to figure some stuff out.  Hear MY voice.  Dream MY dreams. Find inspiration in ME.

Will I give up other blogs forever, hell to the NO!  Just a mini break.

Call it “regroup-to-find-your-inner-awesomeness-again-and-let-your-dreams-explode” mini blog break.

I will still be writing posts & making little creative changes to my haven. It will also make me much more creative about how I keep in touch. That sounds fun~maybe I can incorporate my love for sending sparkle notes & small pressies.

Thank you for understanding, peep-a-leeps!

PS I started a *new* weekly e-note called “Moonlight & Moonstones” where you will get a burst of inspiration about finding your inner audacious soul.  It will be a short & sweet note delivered to you each Friday w/ the occasional surprise & offerings sprinkled in.  To sign up enter your name & email in the form on the sidebar.  Enjoy!  :)

PPS The old newsletter is gone. Just not suiting my needs.

Quieting the outer noise.

Every now & then you have to take a break.

A rest from gathering new things/ideas/thoughts.

If you can’t make any more room for outside stuff.

When your mind becomes so cluttered you can’t gain focus or clarity.

Resist the urge to look for the answer “out there”.

It’s right where it has always been,

in YOU.

Instead of just seeing it as a problem to fix,

Trust that the Universe will guide.

Move in the direction of YOUR dreams.

See what unfolds.

PS I bought this print last year, when I see it I think tranquility and peace.

If you would like to see more of Mccabe’s photos. Visit The Dancing Mermaid’s Photostream.

Transitions & me

When I left my last job, Pirahna 3D. I had the unsettled feeling I tend to get when a job wraps. That maybe that would be the last job.  It’s pretty common unless you are attached to a big star.

Another thought that hit me is:  Why did I turn down the chance to do a movie that would be a “big hit” next summer to go work on a semi-indie horror film with friends.

** It turned out that while that job was fun, I carried boatloads of yucky insecurities with me about being in over my head on such a big production.

It’s been a few months & gone through many different stages:

The this is cool now I have time to “recover” (after having done 3 movies).

to

Great!!  I want to visit family & friends, let’s go!

to

Ok, I’ll start looking for another job (it’s been a few weeks)

to

Maybe I should start a side biz for times like this.  I know I want to keep costuming but I have to bring the money in somehow.

to

Super.  It’s the slow time of year.

to

What if I never work again

to

Am I even anything without what i do?

to

Stop freaking out, it will be fine

to

Breath, relax into this time,

to

Guess what, you can be getting clear about what you want & how you hope to achieve it.  won’t that be better than being depressed and wearing your bathrobe all day.

to

I like that.  be deliberate. start focusing on what i want instead of just what i seemingly lack. (interesting it took me months to get here)

to

What I am calling “Melly’s Transition-o-rama of 2009″

Color me silly, I never ever imagined that I would suddenly be building important parts of my foundation in my mid-30’s (total late bloomer). I say that partially tongue-in-cheek since I understand it’s a lifetime journey.

I’m feeling the internal pull of a paradox inside me.  The one that is practical & needs to take care of the business of paying my bills, finding a “real job”, and buckling down and the one that says I just want to find a way to make money doing what I like to do, how do I create a whole world that supports that vision.

What would MY dream life look like? (Not in the hokey way but in the honest-to-goodness building a life you aspire to.  Living intentionally.  Making your own opportunities not taking jobs based on reactionary thinking.  Being able to enjoy life fully.  Where you make the rules.)

I *love* set costuming.  Funny coming from a just-this-side-of-tomboy.  I love clothes & how fashion can tell a story.  When I work on a movie, I swell with pride at the fact…yes, you have great lighting, hair and makeup, props but without the clothes you really couldn’t fully immerse in the experience.  The role of a set costumer is so interesting. YOU are the person who is there to keep the purity of the Costume Designers vision & please the director with the wardrobe.  The representative of your department.  There is taking care of the comfort of the actors- a helper of sorts (making sure they have coats when its cold or comfort shoes or robes for those “sassy scenes”).  You are required to take meticulous notes & keep continuity (make sure the actor wears the clothes how he should be since scenes are not shot in order).  It is the perfect job (for me) in many ways because there is so much variety, working with all different types of peeps, and creativity.  I get giddy just thinking about some of my past jobs (even though there were certainly tricky moments and lots of lessons)!

There is an aspect to the my job that I don’t enjoy.  The networking & going to mixers to “get my name” out there.  Those crowds can make me get uncomfortable with the overwhelming “look at me” atmosphere.  Plus the lack of a nourishing life when you work 14-16 hours a day can be taxing. However, those few quibbles aren’t enough to make me leave it. They are not deal breakers.

My internal clock is set to do 3 movies a year.  I need the balance of time off (something that does not happen if you jump from job to job). There is the challenge within myself: Can I get quality film jobs?  Do those 3 movies a year and then run away and have my play/other stuff  time?  In this business people tend to ‘forget’ about you if you don’t follow the unwritten rules.

I have a deep love for photography and travel.  Where does that play in the mix?

I’m entering a new zone.  Building confidence in the ability to define & call the shots in my own life.  Making plans without checking what people think every time. Learning to hear criticism or negative feedback, apply it…or not.  Not letting outside stuff tell me how to be or think.  This means family, friends, the news, peeps who claim to be experts, etc.  (Did you know that if your friends say your paintings are just “ok” or you make a choice they wouldn’t- you don’t have to take that burden on you?  Well I didn’t, until recently.)

I know I am offering more questions than answers but that is the reality of my life right now.  Lots of questions.  I think since making this inner vow, I’m more confused than before. Not in a bad way, more like “where are you heading? is this for real?”

I’m not going to be a person who shares only the joys because that would not be the whole picture & someone could think it is all ups and get discouraged in their path.  It so important for me to be real with peeps.  Stay true. There will be a good balance of both especially once I get walking along.  I want to share the ride with you.

What is true:  I’m intrigued by what this journey will look like. What will it bring? That I can define how I want my life to look.  I can take these baby steps to make happen how I long for my life to unfold.  Must remind myself though, that there is always a growing period & for those times patience is key.  Oh and a heaping tablespoon of kindness!

Can’t believe I am going to quote a Miley Cyrus song but it says so perfectly what I am feeling right now.

The Climb

I can almost see it
That dream I’m dreaming but
There’s a voice inside my head saying, 
You’ll never reach it, 
Every step I’m taking, 
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaken but I
Got to keep trying
Got to keep my head held high

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle, 
Sometimes I’m going to have to lose, 
Ain’t about how fast I get there, 
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

The struggles I’m facing, 
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes they knock me down but
No I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m going to remember most yeah
Just got to keep going
And I, 
I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on, 

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle, 
Sometimes you going to have to lose, 
Ain’t about how fast I get there, 
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

There’s always going to be another mountain
I’m always going to want to make it move
Always going to be an uphill battle, 
Sometimes you going to have to lose, 
Ain’t about how fast I get there, 
Ain’t about what’s waiting on the other side
It’s the climb

Keep on moving
Keep climbing
Keep the faith baby
It’s all about
It’s all about
The climb
Keep the faith
Keep your faith

Let’s not be boxed in.

This will come as a really brash statement but to me there is almost nothing worse than someone telling me to “feel better” or “look on the bright side of things” or you “need to be more positive” (my all time least favorite thing to hear during my “moods”).  When I find myself doing it to someone, I try to stop that impulse.  Not always successful but I make a real effort.

Why do people do this?  Is it because it’s messy to embrace a person who is complicated? Or if you let a person stew in that for a bit you will get ‘infected’ by the moody bug or whatever?

For me, I need freedom.

Freedom to live my truest ME.

Sometimes I share my joy.

Sometimes I am grouchy.

Sometimes I accept & love the awesome person that is me.

Sometimes I get so frustrated at why I can’t seem to make lasting changes.

Sometimes I am full of sugar & spice & everything nice.

Sometimes I’m not.

Sometimes I am the best, most productive me I can be.

Sometimes I waste time.

Sometimes I like art & playing with color and light.

Sometimes I just want to watch TV & eat salt and vinegar chips.

Sometimes I need people.

Sometimes I love being alone.

Sometimes I feel the fear of saying something different to the status quo.

Sometimes I like to “rock the boat” so peeps will not be so friggin’ uptight.

Like everything, it’s complex.  I don’t want to be boxed in.

I would imagine that none of us do.

How I found Twitter-topia

When I write this I totally understand that there are peeps who are experts (ps I want to gag every time I say that word) and have devoted their lifes work to this subject so I do not mean to take the mick out of them, just to humbly share what I do to get the most joy out of “Twitter Land”.

So there you have it.

Twitter in all its glory. A device which brings milions of peeps together every day, from all over the world.  How cool is that?

This week I noticed I was finding myself irritated at Twitter.  An inanimate thing! Except it wasn’t really Twitter it was how I was using it.  Then I sat down and took a little time to rekindle the joyful side of it again.

When things get out of whack sometimes it’s about unrealistic expectations.  I looked closely at what I like & don’t like about Twitter and came up with some guidelines to keep my twitter world happy & peaceful.  (Plus, I just plain felt like writing a post about Twitter, anything wrong with that?!?!? *wink*)

What makes MY twitter world a happy one:

1) Less “selling”.  I get it.  You have a product, tell me once and be done with it.  If I want it, I’ll click. Trust.

2) Don’t try to “sell” me without getting to know me.  I don’t like it and I would guess most peeps don’t but are to nice to tell you.

3) Be friendly.  That goes a long way.

4) If you feel the need to use an auto DM, know that I will probably unfollow you.

5) I follow peeps who truly share with me.  The ones who treat me as more than a contact or bottom line.

6) If you don’t answer me when I directly ask you something (via @), I can’t keep following you.   For me twitter is about exchange.  2 way street!

7) The lower the number of followers the more I get out of each connection.  I’m not knocking following 10,000 peeps.  If it floats your boat, go for it.  For me, under 100 will do.  Quality vs Quantity.

Be about others.  I give as much as I get.  I am not a selfish tweeter.

9) Always tell the truth. Very important.

10) Most of all it is about fun & friendship in my world.

11) Take the piss out of peeps now and again.  Life can get way too serious.

12) I don’t understand “experts” and therefore will not be following them.

13) Making peeps laugh or encouraging them.

14) Drink wine & twitter it is fun (ps whatever you do don’t watch the Notebook!)

15)  I will no longer feel guilty when I “unfollow” someone or yucky if they “unfollow” me.  It’s all part of it.

That’s what I came up with to keep my personal Twitter-Ville a happy & content one.

What are some of your Twitter guidelines?

Do I really want to change?

This summer has been one of the most challenging in a long while.  I can say that without a doubt some beliefs I held to be true are crashing down around me & I am having to build a new foundation.  It is scary, invigorating, tiring, confusing, thrilling…

I want to go over some beliefs I am carrying around:

The belief that good things are for other people but somehow can’t happen for me.

The belief that I have to be what other people want in order to “fit in”.

The belief that I have to “fit in”.

The belief that I have to have the approval of other people who know ‘more’ about the subject before I step out.

The belief that when I get “jazzed” about something everyone else around me will be too.

The belief that there is a ‘glass ceiling’ to my success.

The belief that decisions are made outside of me.  That others have the power over my choices, future, and project picks.

The belief that if I want to do it, I will always feel like doing it.

The belief that I constantly have to be “working” on myself.

The belief that I will find some sort of inspiration tomorrow.

The belief that I can somehow control peoples reaction by not speaking up about what I think.

The belief that in order to help people, I must be perfect.

The belief that ‘failure’ is bad.

The belief that I will be good right away at everything I try.

The belief that I don’t deserve the time to practice & get better at something.

The belief that ever since I disappointed my family in my early 20’s they have never forgotten it, and I have to prove to them I am not that person.

The belief you can’t be scared when you do a new thing.

Those beliefs are some of what floats around in my head.  By NO means all at once! Little triggers will bring one or a few to the surface and I will find that it sends me into a mode that becomes more reactive.  Trying to just keep the thoughts at bay vs really re-wiring what I am thinking (paying attention to the thought, exploring it, and finding a way to understand it).

For example, let’s say my grandma asks me about money.  How I am doing financially. She is asking out of concern & the fact that she knows I freelance and sometimes things get tight (and she is a bit of a worry wort!).

Well, in my mind and through some reinforcement from a few careless comments she has made,  I get into my “I am being attacked mode.  Must defend.”  I will ask her why is she asking.  Does she not think I can care for myself?  Then what could have been a fairly routine exchange becomes a debate.

It is messy when we let the false beliefs lead us.

Back to what I was saying.  This summer has been trigger-ville.  Slowly, and I do mean slowly.  My mind is opening up to the fact they are not worth following.  I want to pay more attention, to relax, and find new patterns.

The tricky part comes when you are making these new changes.  How do you do it? There are people that say nothing is a reality, live totally in the present; others say take out the old thing & put in a new thing; and another will tell you quit your job, travel, and find you; no wait! NLP is the way.

With all the theories out there, how do you begin to choose which one works for YOU?

Is it like the lottery, try one & see what sticks?  I’ll have to keep you posted.

The answer to the question posted in the title is: YES. I don’t want to live reactive. My desire is to live TRUE.  

I want to thank the peeps who have rallied around me (and my little bloggy haven). The support has meant so much to me.

PS Even as I publish this, my mind is racing with thoughts of “what if peeps judge you or think that you are weird?”.  To that my heart under the panic response says, “the ones who are meant to get it, will.  Other peeps will go elsewhere.  Be ok with that.”

edited to add: Jessie (of Stray Dog Arts) shared a very revealing, honest, and thought-provoking post about her limiting beliefs & some inspired words about how we don’t have to be held down by them. Please visit and read her POST. Plus you can see her *magical* new studio!

Jealousy, does it have your back?

My sweet bloggy pal Darrah wrote a post about jealousy, you can read it here.

I was going to write a comment and then I decided that this deserved a WHOLE post. It is a complicated topic & one that most people keep pretty hush-hush.

After all if you are an enlightened being & artsy goddess surely you wouldn’t be jealous, right?

From the few posts I have read. It is real.  There is no denying it can be irksome for your peace of mind but where does it come from?

is it all bad?

Can jealousy be a GOOD thing?

Now I look back on some of my more recent experiences with jealousy, once I strip away the initial reaction of “oh, that’s not fair” or “why don’t those things happen to me”, I believe it comes down to my heart trying to stir me awake.  If I have hit blandom-ville with a one way pass to couch potato road maybe I need that wake up call.

Perhaps, the heart knows me better than I know myself.

In both cases the “jealousy” got me thinking about what I thought I was lacking, in one case I really didn’t want it, just seemed like a good thing since I want to be that “cool kid” (honestly though it would drive me nuts if I had to cater to peeps;  been there trying to get away from that).

The other was more sincere.  I looked at it. What was I “jealous” of?

I will share pretty openly since otherwise it will make no sense.  I have a friend that is wonderful at encouraging, inspiring, art, videos, the works….everything she does people love, not only that it IS good!  She is a rockstar.  Occasionally, I get jealous.  I thought it was of HER.  Folks, it isn’t.  It is 3 things:

1) It is the picture in my mind of what it is like. The reality, often still beautiful & complex & groovy is VERY different from what I fantasized.  I know this now because I have seen behind the curtain.

2) My longings want to be acknowledge & they will use the means it takes to do it. They don’t like playing second fiddle to my being scared or wanting to play it safe.

3) I have said this a lot here because I (and other peeps) need to hear it, the world needs your voice, saying what YOU have to say in only the way YOU can say it.

So do I think jealousy is the evil enemy it gets made out to be. NO.  I think it’s like any other emotion, a wake-up call to explore deeper & listen.

Rockstar moment: I like what Darrah said about “jealousy” getting her to finally decide she was going to Artfest 2010.  YAY!  Score one for her going into a fun adventure & following her heart.  It takes courage and I admire that.  She is walking the talk.

For me, it has been working on my sparkle notes, putting my lovely artsy creations out into the world. Imperfectly & in only the way I can.

What will you do today to release “jealousy” and embrace YOU?

What does your “voice” have to say?

Everyone has one.

They are all different.

Some are strong & fierce

while others are mild & gentle.

Sometimes, it is a blend of both.

Whatever the case may be.

Each deserves to be heard.

In order to find out what your “voice” is

saying, you have to listen.

That means slowing down long enough to

let there be a ’soul silence’.

Not trying to fill every minute with more stuff

(even the worthwhile things).

It’s fine not to have all the answers.

Take a break. Relax.  Sit in that comfy chair.

And just be with YOU.

There is no better company.

YOU.

Don’t be afraid of facing what is deep within.

You will find beauty.

I promise you.

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