Caregiving: A lesson of the heart
by Melly on July 6, 2009
in caregiving
(for the beginning of the story, go here)
A new piece of the puzzle has revealed itself in my journey of caring for my Gabs. Now there is no problem when it is a task or thing she wants me to do but what about when there are things she doesn’t want to give up doing? Like lifting heavy things or driving.
She has been really upset at me off and on this week because I am ‘treating her like a baby’ and ‘why don’t i just leave her alone’. Who knew that when I started having to be the caretaker, it would involve navigating emotional minefields.
I hate to say it but a few times I got upset.
Being young and agile, I forget just how scary it can be to not be able to do the simple tasks you used to do with such ease. In her mind, she went from a strong independent woman to a lady that people tell what to do and how to do it (doctors, friends, family). There is a part of me that remembers that and shows compassion (far less than I should though).
That brings in the shame. Shame is a relationship stealer. It keeps real intimacy from happening because you get too busy reacting than communicating. Shame is my fear of being less than. I am super afraid of ‘failing’ my Gabby.
What I am wondering is why few people talk about what a wacky journey you are in for? My days are filled with MUCH more than just providing good care- like cooking, cleaning, and doing errands. You have to navigate the human heart. Taking care not to crush the spirit of the person you are caring for…all the while making sure YOU are not lost in the process.
How do you do that? I am not even remotely sure, I am learning. My steps seem uncertain like when I was a toddler and had to fall down to learn just what it take to have balance. That is me. NOW.
In the midst of one of the hardest of lifes’ lessons I have to remember: Kindness and compassion are key and NEVER forget to have fun! Such simple words and profoundly challenging to live.
If anyone has hints or wise words I would be so grateful to hear them.
(edited to add: Be gentle. Allow kindness to wash over the moments where you feel the most vulnerable. Embrace the love that is always there.)
Care Giving: a lesson in humility
by Melly on June 28, 2009
in caregiving
Just to give you a little piece of the story, recently I find myself in the position of taking care of someone who used to take care of me. This woman is my grandmother (aka Gabby). Gabby taught me to read (and my great love of books!). Took me in the summers to the magical cottage and played water games. She baked me cookies AND made sure I ate well as a kid since I like junk food back then. I had a pretty serious childhood and with her she made sure I got to be a kid (I still look back in amazement at all the fun we had together) She is a beautiful soul. Someone I respect, admire, and love very much. Some of my fondest childhood memories have HER attached to them. So what to do when I find I need to step up and take care of her?
I am this single gal who has been on this crazy ride of a life journey. That said, I have never had kids or been responsible for anyone other than myself.
So this is a BIG change. One that I will occasionally be documenting because I think this is a topic not many people talk about. Most people tend to focus on the person who needs care often neglecting the caregiver. Caregivers are expected to be selfless, loving, have endless amounts of energy, work tirelessly, and live solely for caring for the other person.
I’m here to say all that is a crock of shit. Pardon me. Not to be harsh, it is just not reality. Yes, there will be days when you wake up and the sun is shining, you can cook/clean/give/love/play games endlessly and without complaint. I’m here to tell you though, there will be the days where you resent the hell out of it. When you think, why did I get this job? Why am I so sucky at loving this person who loved me her whole life? Am I doing it right? Why can’t I sleep that well anymore?
Those are all very valid questions and fears. You are not alone. So rest in that truth.Take a deep breath. You deserve it. I bet you have been working hard, even if it is imperfect, you have. Let yourself off the hook of having it all together. Give yourself praise. Take a minute and read some of these tips and suggestions. It just may lighten your load.
BODY
This one takes the biggest hit when caring for someone else. So pay attention. Everyday try to listen to what your body has to say to you. Eat your meals (not just quick little bites when you can, really savor good food. Eat nutritiously. That means more real food. Veggies. Home cooked savory dinners. Yummy treats now and then). Sit down when you eat.
Another facet of this is to try to do an activity that requires movement everyday. Even for just 10 minutes. It will serve many purposes. The activity gives your body the exercise it needs and you will get a ‘soul boost’.
This one may be hard since you are in ‘caregiver mode’. Pamper yourself. Take the time to do nice things for yourself. Whatever would give that hardworking body of yours some pleasure. A hot bath. A massage. Long walk. Dance class. The sky is the limit.
MIND
You may have thoughts like some of the ones I said at the beginning of the post. They probably won’t be there all the time so be sure to ‘guard’ your mind from the gremlins. These ‘gremlins’ will hit you when you least expect it. You could be going along making dinner for the person and next thing you know you can’t believe you added to much salt into the food! Then you start berating yourself for being so incompetent. It sounds ridiculous AND it happens! Trust me.
When you find that you are getting information overload or ‘gremlin thoughts’ are attacking you. #1) realize that thoughts are just that. They are no more reality than the movies you watch on TV. They are your minds way of connecting experiences and gathering information. However, it can go wonky occasionally. Let the thought come in, acknowledge it, and let it pass on through (this practice is MUCH easier said than done). #2) Write it down. Journalling has really helped me. My mind clings to things as a way of coping or understanding and when I put it on paper it as though I am saying, “Hey mind, take a break? I got this one. Relax. I will work with you to figure it out.” That alone is comforting.
SOUL
Realize that at the end of the day this life is not all you are. The sum of your actions is not all there is to YOU. You are a divine being. Beautiful and majestic. Equal parts of complexity. I have found that when I get overwhelmed or depressed it helps to ‘feed’ the side of me that can be overlooked. The inner part.
For example, I like to take photo walks. I pick a lovely place outside and just walk around snapping pictures. It is embracing the big story of life. It is connecting with nature. It is relishing my creative soul. It is invaluable.
Connection. This is a MUST! I am not kidding. Support should be a mandatory thing when you start taking care of someone. Much like the mommy play dates people go to. Whether it be a group, or a trusted friend have someone to share your thoughts, joys, and struggles with. Besides, being good for you. It will give you the much needed FUN you need since tons of time can be taken up having to do all the ‘serious’ work of caring for an ailing person.
This looks different for everyone. Try new things. Embrace traditions. See what brings you soul comfort, peace, and joy.
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