Do I really want to change?

This summer has been one of the most challenging in a long while.  I can say that without a doubt some beliefs I held to be true are crashing down around me & I am having to build a new foundation.  It is scary, invigorating, tiring, confusing, thrilling…

I want to go over some beliefs I am carrying around:

The belief that good things are for other people but somehow can’t happen for me.

The belief that I have to be what other people want in order to “fit in”.

The belief that I have to “fit in”.

The belief that I have to have the approval of other people who know ‘more’ about the subject before I step out.

The belief that when I get “jazzed” about something everyone else around me will be too.

The belief that there is a ‘glass ceiling’ to my success.

The belief that decisions are made outside of me.  That others have the power over my choices, future, and project picks.

The belief that if I want to do it, I will always feel like doing it.

The belief that I constantly have to be “working” on myself.

The belief that I will find some sort of inspiration tomorrow.

The belief that I can somehow control peoples reaction by not speaking up about what I think.

The belief that in order to help people, I must be perfect.

The belief that ‘failure’ is bad.

The belief that I will be good right away at everything I try.

The belief that I don’t deserve the time to practice & get better at something.

The belief that ever since I disappointed my family in my early 20′s they have never forgotten it, and I have to prove to them I am not that person.

The belief you can’t be scared when you do a new thing.

Those beliefs are some of what floats around in my head.  By NO means all at once! Little triggers will bring one or a few to the surface and I will find that it sends me into a mode that becomes more reactive.  Trying to just keep the thoughts at bay vs really re-wiring what I am thinking (paying attention to the thought, exploring it, and finding a way to understand it).

For example, let’s say my grandma asks me about money.  How I am doing financially. She is asking out of concern & the fact that she knows I freelance and sometimes things get tight (and she is a bit of a worry wort!).

Well, in my mind and through some reinforcement from a few careless comments she has made,  I get into my “I am being attacked mode.  Must defend.”  I will ask her why is she asking.  Does she not think I can care for myself?  Then what could have been a fairly routine exchange becomes a debate.

It is messy when we let the false beliefs lead us.

Back to what I was saying.  This summer has been trigger-ville.  Slowly, and I do mean slowly.  My mind is opening up to the fact they are not worth following.  I want to pay more attention, to relax, and find new patterns.

The tricky part comes when you are making these new changes.  How do you do it? There are people that say nothing is a reality, live totally in the present; others say take out the old thing & put in a new thing; and another will tell you quit your job, travel, and find you; no wait! NLP is the way.

With all the theories out there, how do you begin to choose which one works for YOU?

Is it like the lottery, try one & see what sticks?  I’ll have to keep you posted.

The answer to the question posted in the title is: YES. I don’t want to live reactive. My desire is to live TRUE.  

I want to thank the peeps who have rallied around me (and my little bloggy haven). The support has meant so much to me.

PS Even as I publish this, my mind is racing with thoughts of “what if peeps judge you or think that you are weird?”.  To that my heart under the panic response says, “the ones who are meant to get it, will.  Other peeps will go elsewhere.  Be ok with that.”

edited to add: Jessie (of Stray Dog Arts) shared a very revealing, honest, and thought-provoking post about her limiting beliefs & some inspired words about how we don’t have to be held down by them. Please visit and read her POST. Plus you can see her *magical* new studio!

BOOM KING (Flight of the Concords)

I saw this on YouTube & had to share it! Hilarious.

(the first part is the best, you’ll see what I mean *wink*)

Jealousy, does it have your back?

My sweet bloggy pal Darrah wrote a post about jealousy, you can read it here.

I was going to write a comment and then I decided that this deserved a WHOLE post. It is a complicated topic & one that most people keep pretty hush-hush.

After all if you are an enlightened being & artsy goddess surely you wouldn’t be jealous, right?

From the few posts I have read. It is real.  There is no denying it can be irksome for your peace of mind but where does it come from?

is it all bad?

Can jealousy be a GOOD thing?

Now I look back on some of my more recent experiences with jealousy, once I strip away the initial reaction of “oh, that’s not fair” or “why don’t those things happen to me”, I believe it comes down to my heart trying to stir me awake.  If I have hit blandom-ville with a one way pass to couch potato road maybe I need that wake up call.

Perhaps, the heart knows me better than I know myself.

In both cases the “jealousy” got me thinking about what I thought I was lacking, in one case I really didn’t want it, just seemed like a good thing since I want to be that “cool kid” (honestly though it would drive me nuts if I had to cater to peeps;  been there trying to get away from that).

The other was more sincere.  I looked at it. What was I “jealous” of?

I will share pretty openly since otherwise it will make no sense.  I have a friend that is wonderful at encouraging, inspiring, art, videos, the works….everything she does people love, not only that it IS good!  She is a rockstar.  Occasionally, I get jealous.  I thought it was of HER.  Folks, it isn’t.  It is 3 things:

1) It is the picture in my mind of what it is like. The reality, often still beautiful & complex & groovy is VERY different from what I fantasized.  I know this now because I have seen behind the curtain.

2) My longings want to be acknowledge & they will use the means it takes to do it. They don’t like playing second fiddle to my being scared or wanting to play it safe.

3) I have said this a lot here because I (and other peeps) need to hear it, the world needs your voice, saying what YOU have to say in only the way YOU can say it.

So do I think jealousy is the evil enemy it gets made out to be. NO.  I think it’s like any other emotion, a wake-up call to explore deeper & listen.

Rockstar moment: I like what Darrah said about “jealousy” getting her to finally decide she was going to Artfest 2010.  YAY!  Score one for her going into a fun adventure & following her heart.  It takes courage and I admire that.  She is walking the talk.

For me, it has been working on my sparkle notes, putting my lovely artsy creations out into the world. Imperfectly & in only the way I can.

What will you do today to release “jealousy” and embrace YOU?

What does your “voice” have to say?

Everyone has one.

They are all different.

Some are strong & fierce

while others are mild & gentle.

Sometimes, it is a blend of both.

Whatever the case may be.

Each deserves to be heard.

In order to find out what your “voice” is

saying, you have to listen.

That means slowing down long enough to

let there be a ‘soul silence’.

Not trying to fill every minute with more stuff

(even the worthwhile things).

It’s fine not to have all the answers.

Take a break. Relax.  Sit in that comfy chair.

And just be with YOU.

There is no better company.

YOU.

Don’t be afraid of facing what is deep within.

You will find beauty.

I promise you.

More Bloggy Love with Lisa Baldwin of “Divine Order”

Bloggy Love Day: Meet Darrah, she’s going to the coast, and she’s gonna get married ♫♫

Bloggy Love came from a desire to introduce & connect really cool, creative peeps to each other.  I met Darrah a few months ago & found that she is a very caring, supportive woman w/ a wicked sense of humor.  So go grab a snack and get to know her.  You will be charmed. Guaranteed!

Darrah, showing us a "Slice of Life"

Hey lovely.  Why don’t you introduce yourself

My name is Darrah. I live in Seattle with my sweet fiancé, Jason, my adorable kitty, Izzy, and lots of shoes. I’m not saying which one is my favorite. But my shoes are pretty cute.

Tell me a bit about how you share your creative gifts with the world.

When I’m not skipping through fields with fairy dust or decorating the streets of Seattle with elephant-themed graffiti art, I am taking photos, drawing and painting, and sharing my creative path over in my little corner of the blogosphere at artcetera and on my Flickr page. And on days when none of these things happen, I still see and encounter the world as an artist.

Pick 3 posts on your blog that speak to your inner artsy goddess & passion.

1.    and so it begins

This is the very first blog post I wrote and a good place to start. It’s about my frustrations with the “if only” and “shouldawouldacoulda” thoughts I was feeling and why it was time to claim that I was an artist and pursue my dreams.

2.    quieting my imposter monster

This post is about a feeling that many artists feel from time to time – a feeling of not being enough or not doing enough. I call it my Imposter Monster.

3.    amazing things happen when you leave the house

A fun-filled photo adventure and a reminder that the things that bring us the most joy should be done more often!

You do a series called Slice of Life, what inspired that idea?

I started Slice of Life Tuesday as a way to hold myself accountable for being creative at least once a week. I have a full-time job and have found that it’s easy to make excuses about not having enough time for creativity. A camera provides immediate satisfaction and doesn’t require you to sit down for hours to work on something. For me, just snapping a few photos in the middle of a busy day can center me and bring me joy. It is a simple way to do something for myself. So every Tuesday, I share a photo from the previous week and I invite others to share a photo they took.

Who are some bloggy peeps that inspire you (3 max)?

There are so many. I am inspired every day by the amazing bloggers out there. Obviously, you’re one of my favorite bloggy peeps, so I’m going to cheat and name three more:

Connie from Dirty Footprints Studio, Brandi from Joy Rebel, and Jamie from Jamie Ridler Studios. They are all lovely ladies with distinct, creative, and inspiring voices.

What does your typical day look like?

Every day starts with a quick check of email and a peek at Twitter-ville. Very soon, I will be making a point to not be on my computer until after I’ve done something self-nurturing to start the day (like reading a few pages from a book or doing yoga). But for now, this is how I start the day. I just started running a couple of months ago, so several days a week, I get my butt out of bed and into running shoes. Some days are easier than other days, but I am always amazed at how it kick-starts my day.

After a small breakfast, I head to work…where I, well, work. I make a point to do something small every day while I’m at work that makes me happy. Sometimes, it’s a walk with my camera, sometimes it’s a visit to a coffee shop, sometimes it’s calling my mom.

After work, I often come home to find a home-cooked meal. I know, lucky me! That fiancé of mine is a keeper! We then catch up on our what happened in our days and talk about what the next day will bring. I then upload photos if I took any that day, put in writing the blog post that I had been writing in my head all day (or all week as the case may be), watch some telly, and find my way to my pillow by 10:00 or 11:00. I have to go to bed early or I won’t be a fun person to be around the next day. I’ve learned this the hard way. J

How do you motivate yourself when you just don’t ‘feel’ like doing a task.

Oh, I wish I could tell you that I’m good at this, but to be completely honest, if I don’t feel like doing something, I often whine about it or anticipate having to do it. I’m starting to realize after learning the lesson over and over that the anticipation is usually worse than then actually event and the longer I put it off, the harder it is to do. So lately, I find myself acknowledging that I’m not motivated, acknowledging why I don’t want to do it, and then jumping in and doing it anyway.

What advice would you give to people taking a “leap”, creatively or professionally?

The first thing to know is that you are not alone. I took the “leap” earlier this year and have been humbled and amazed by the amount of support I’ve received from not only my friends and family, but also complete strangers. The second thing I’d tell people who are thinking of taking a “leap” is to consider viewing it as taking a step instead of a leap. A leap can feel scary and big. I don’t know about you, but the bigger something feels, the less likely I am to do it. So pick one or two things you’d like to do that would enhance your life and get you one step closer to your goals. My third piece of advice is that if you don’t know what your goals are (as is often the case with me), take a step anyway. Chances are the step you take will help guide you and answer some of the questions you have about what you want to do.

What kind of music do you listen to in order to focus your energy?

I love music that I can sing along to – usually loudly and usually with the wrong words. That’s part of my charm. But if I’m trying to focus, I like something light and without words playing in the background – jazz or classical.

What is your favorite snacky food.

Mmmm…snacks. Right now, I’m craving an ice cream drumstick. We bought mini ones (they’re adorable) and I’ve promised myself that I can have one when I’m done with this interview. But my favorite snacky food would have to be mac ‘n’ cheese, which I know isn’t technically a snack, but I would eat it any time of day.

What destinations are on your dream places to visit?

I’ve always said that I’d like to take a couple of months and rent a villa in Tuscany. I want to sit under a tree every day with a glass of wine and a book. I want to cook and take pretty photos and sleep and sleep and sleep some more. That’s not too much to ask for, is it?

What are your top 3 goals for the rest of this year?

1.    Keep moving towards my dreams with as much patience as I can muster.

2.    Carve out a little more time for me: for yoga, for creativity, for photography, for learning, for laughing.

3.    Connect with more creative folks on a similar path. My theory is that the more we connect with people who “get” us, the more we can support each other in reaching our goals. There is power in numbers.

4.    More mini ice cream drumsticks. (I cheated and added #4, but I ate the drumstick before I finished the interview and now I want another one).

To wrap up, let us know just what you are adventuring into:

The most immediate adventure coming my way is marriage (and a honeymoon in Paris)! Beyond that, I am adventuring into the unknown. But I think we all are. And how comforting to know that we are not alone!

Huge thank you’s to Darrah for taking time out of her schedule: working, being artsy, AND planning her wedding (which is in just over 2 weeks!).  She is extremely generous & supportive & ridiculously funny. I wish her the best on the wedding day and in their marriage.  May it be filled with lots of love & joy.

Please leave a pre-wedding note for her & Jason!

Peek-a-boo! 4 Featured Goodies

“Divine Dreaming” Meditation Kit: I was treated to a pre-release of this super amazing meditation. It is designed to help peeps that have a tough time falling asleep & making sure you get a groovy nights rest.  I found it quite soothing to focus on a guided meditation instead of my over imaginative thoughts.  Leonie has one of the most “sleep-inducing’ voices I know (I mean that in a VERY good way!). The music is really great, too. Uber calming.  To get more information: go HERE.  See if it is a tool that can help you sleep easier. (PS for 3 days, she is offering a 25% off early bird special- use coupon code SWEETSLUMBER!!)

“Clearing the Clutter You Can’t See E-Course”:  I was waiting for this course, I knew it was coming!  Last month, I worked on my outer clutter with so much gentle joy.  It wasn’t hard.  Lisa finds a way to make it painless.  My room was exploding with clutter (not good!) now it is cozy & tidy like I wanted.  I am at my best with clean & zenified living so taking this course is super important.  Next step, to get rid of the “inner clutter” which can get me stuck in my journey. (Until August 21, there is an early bird special!! Just $50 for 6 weeks of e-lessons & email support from Lisa)

PS. This is a chance to gently D-I-Y your life with a really cool chick who will offer tips, suggestions & boatloads of encouragement.

UpUpCreative:  These really simple almost zen paper goods are some of my favorite things.  Recently, I got the feelgood list and recipe cards.  Those cards are a perfect way to cater to my inner foodie with style!

Joy Rebel Photography: Brandi captures small moments of joy & inspiration. Peek in her etsy shop, Joy Rebel Prints.  I have the “Buddha” on my wish list & I keep asking for the turquoise & pink print.  CALL TO ACTION;  Maybe you can help me, email her and let her know the pink roses & turquoise trellis print is the coolest and she should list it! Thanks lovely peeps!

(I will put the buttons in the side bar so you can purchase either the “Divine Dreaming Meditation” or “Clearing the Clutter You Can’t See E-Course”)

For when I need a reminder…

…there is always my TUT’s notes.  The one that came today was very fitting because I feel slightly panicky about why things aren’t ‘happening’ right now.

I think I have a weird perception of time.  I get so rushed to change, grow, learn, master, etc that I forget it really is a life-long journey.

Not unlike the Iron Man race but longer. *wink*

(About the actual Iron Man, for peeps who think I should try it: I will never no matter how much you paid me.  Maybe a part of it, never the whole thing.  God no. That said, I think the peeps that push their bodies to the limit & make it all the way through are not only ridiculously cool but have a level of dedication I admire.)

“One of the trickiest things about life, melly, is that, at times, it happens so slowly. Yet… if… it… happened… any… faster… you’d… already… have… everything… you… ever… wanted… without… learning… to… enjoy… the… ride.”

Photo Diary: a few of my favorite things

*SERIES* “Love & A Photo”: Darrah & Jason

Name:

Darrah: Darrah (rhymes with Sarah)

Jason: Jason (rhyme: hasten Jason, bring the basin, urp, slop, bring the mop)

Darrah: I’ve never heard that rhyme in my life, but I like it.

Jason: BOOM!

Age:

Darrah: 31 baby!

Jason: 41 going on baby.

Lifes’ Work:

Darrah: Shoe shopper. Mac ‘n’ cheese eater. Professional nap taker. In all seriousness, I’m not sure I have an answer to this question. I think we all want to figure out what our life’s work is, but that can be a lot of pressure. I’m choosing to live my life creatively, drawing and taking photos whenever I can, in the hopes that it will lead to my life’s work…whatever that may be. One thing is certain: I am an artist.

Jason: Past – radio disc jockey. Present – spreading joy and love through music. Future – the search for the perfect sandwich.

What city do you live in:

Darrah: Seattle by way of Florida, Chicago and Boston. I’m happy to say I’ve finally found my home.

Jason: 15 years and counting in Seattle. Before that Boulder, Eugene, San Francisco & Los Angeles. I guess you could say I’ve been searching for my hippy wonderland.

How long have you been together:

Darrah: 589 days.

Jason: And 23 hours, 14 minutes, 17 seconds. Not that we’re counting.

How & where did you meet?

Darrah: About a year and a half ago, I had a profile up online. I had tried online dating on and off over the years and each time, I walked away more discouraged. This time around, I had no expectations. My life was busy, but I still wanted to keep my options open, so I posted a profile and went about my business.

Jason: About a year and a half ago I was recently out of a long relationship and had made a conscious decision not to date. I thought it would be good to take a while to get my own stuff in order first. After a Thanksgiving trip home where I was surrounded by my loving family, however, things changed. My aunt (in typical Jewish-mom style) took me aside and said I should go find a girl with “healthy ovaries”. I couldn’t deny her logic. On the way home I made a list of what I was looking for, which had only three criteria on it: she had to be Jewy, but not too Jewy; she had to love her family; and she had to have healthy ovaries. I decided to give the online dating one more try, and the first profile I found was Darrah’s. She was everything I was looking for (I guess the ovary thing was an assumption on my part, but so far so good).

Darrah: Isn’t he romantic?….So there I was going about my business when I got a message from a guy whose username was “JazzyJ”. JazzyJ? Really? He couldn’t have picked a cooler name? In any case, I read his message and he explained that he signed up for the dating service just so he could email me. Even though this could be taken as a cheesy pick-up line, I could tell right away that this guy was genuine.

Jason: It was a cheesy pick-up line, but it also happened to be true! I paid my $20 bucks and sent one, count ‘em, ONE email. Boom. Best $20 I ever spent. But I didn’t have a profile up yet, so I emailed her back and gave her a link to my website (http://www.jasonparkermusic.com, for those of you looking to book a jazz band) saying, “You’ll learn more about me here than on a profile”.

Darrah: Seriously, dude. Did you just link to your website?

Jason: Someone’s gotta work in this family!

Darrah: Whatevs. Anyhooo…When I looked at his website, I found out that he is a musician and he teaches at the place where I work during the summers. I had just gotten a promotion to manage the education programs, so I didn’t know all of the teachers yet. When I got to work the next day, I found out who Jason was and that he would be reporting to me. I emailed him right away and told him about this crazy coincidence. He said:

Jason: “Wait, you’re my boss?”

Darrah: And I said, “Don’t you ever forget it!”

Jason: She hasn’t let me yet. To make an already-too-long story longer, she agreed to go out with me anyway, and I worked my charms on her. So far so good.

What was your first impression?

Darrah: Distinguished. Warm. Funny. Familiar…almost like we could be related. I later found out that the distinguished part was just a front.

Jason: Hottie! In a “I want a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad” sort of way.

Darrah: Eewwww…creepy!

Describe your first date.

Darrah: We met at a coffee shop that’s inside a bookstore. We had a surprisingly candid and open conversation for a first date – something that I really appreciated. I think we knew things by the end of the first date that you’re not “supposed” to share on a first date. We didn’t follow any rules and were just genuinely ourselves.

Jason: How much more “distinguished” can you get than a freakin’ bookstore??? I even bought her a Grace Paley book, much to the chagrin of my older brother who told me “NEVER bring a gift on a first date.” But I have my methods.

Darrah: It was sweet. It could have come across the wrong way, but it just goes to show you that rules don’t apply when you’ve found the right person.

Tell me about the most funny thing your partner ever did to “impress” you.

Darrah: I’m not sure how funny it is, but I can tell you a sweet thing he did to impress me. About three weeks into our relationship (and already head-over-heels for each other), I left my apartment one morning to head to work. When I got to my car, I found a mix CD tucked in the door handle. Apparently, he had left it there in the middle of the night. The first song was “Just in Time” by Sarah Vaughan. I listened to the CD all the way to work and must have looked like a hot mess when I arrived with tears streaming down my face.

Jason: Damn I’m good. But wait, there’s more. About a week later I came home after a gig one night to find a mix CD on my doorstep. Each song was more meaningful than the last, some she couldn’t possibly have known had meaning for me. By the end of the CD I got back in my car and drove straight to her apartment across town. See the next answer for the rest of the story.

When did you know it was love?

Darrah: The night I was putting together Jason’s mix CD, I was listening to him DJ on a local jazz station. It was as if he was playing each song for me.

Jason: I was.

Darrah: Awwww…(are you guys getting nauseous yet?) Anyhooo…at one point, he was announcing the next song and I think I said out loud, “I love that man.”

Jason: By the time I got to the end of the mix CD and Willie Nelson was singing “Rainbow Connection” there was no doubt in my mind.

Darrah: If you’re keeping track, we knew we were in love after three weeks of knowing each other. Maybe even sooner.

Are you guys more of “perfect twins” or “opposite attracts”?

Darrah: Perfect twins. Seriously, we look like we could be siblings.

Jason: Ew? But she’s right. Twins.

Retell the coolest travel adventure that you have taken together.

Darrah: I think it would have to be the story of how Jason proposed. I’m going to let him tell it.

Jason: Gee thanks. I took Darrah to San Francisco a few months after we met. We were driving across the Bay Bridge at midnight coming in from the Oakland Airport. When we got to the tollbooth, the guy asked me “Have you given her a ring yet?” and when I said no he proceeded to lean out of the booth, take both of our hands, and perform a marriage ceremony right there in the middle of the bridge! Fast-forward exactly one year later. I take Darrah back to SF, back across the bridge, and at the tollbooth I laid the rock on her! Boom.

Darrah: BOOM, indeed.

How do you share your creativity/gifts with the world?

Darrah: Currently, I’m taking a lot of photos, drawing when I can, and sharing my creative process on my blog: http://artcetera.squarespace.com.

Jason: I play music 2-3 nights a week, teach music classes to kids of all ages, and write about the life of a working musician on my blog: http://oneworkingmusician.com.

What was your first disagreement about?

Darrah: I don’t think we’ve had any disagreements to speak of. We established early on a spirit of open communication and compassion.

Jason: Ditto.

What do you do after a ‘fight’?

Darrah: Seeing that we don’t really fight, I’m going to guess what I’d do after a fight. Go shoe shopping? Eat mac ‘n’ cheese? Take a nap?

Jason: S-E-X.

Darrah: Isn’t he romantic?

Describe your love journey in 3 words.

Darrah: Mac ‘n’ cheese.

Jason: S-E-X.

For the marrieds, how has life changed since you got hitched?

Darrah: We’ll have to get back to you on this one. We’re getting married on September 6^th!

Jason: Expect a 12-page treatise on September 7^th.

Bonus Question: What is your favorite beverage?

Darrah: Iced vanilla soy latte, please.

Jason: Iced shot in the dark (can you tell we’re from Seattle???)

Darrah & Jason: Thanks, Melly, for giving us the space to share our story! We had so much fun answering these questions together. We’re even considering handing this out at our wedding! J

If you want more info about or to sign up for the Love & A Photo Project go here: Love & A Photo: A Glance

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